The Forgotten Spice Girls

There were originally ten Spice Girls when the band was formed. The five that became the real Spice Girls killed, chopped up and buried the other five in a shallow grave. This is their story.
There was:
Tacky Spice - she really liked puffy scarves, heavy eye makeup, too much too strong perfume and always, always wore clothes that were too tight.

Old Spice - yeah, she was old but she was the best dancer of the bunch. And she smelled great too.

Scowly Spice - actually, Scowly Spice made it through the culling but emerged as Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham. She's retained alot of Scowly Spice's personality though since nobody has seen her teeth in at least ten years.

Sugar Ann Spice - the rest of the band decided her name was too cute and they tore her limb from limb backstage before their first gig at the Arkansas State Fair.

Slice Spice - she was going to be Scary's sidekick, the crazier one who liked to flick a switchblade all the time. The powers that be figured one crazy nutter Spice Girl was probably more than enough.

Kimbo Spice - somehow the addition of a burly, bearded, back yard bare knuckle brawler didn't quite fit with the hot pants, hair and hooters look of the rest of the band.

An Offer They'll Likely Refuse

It was pointed out to my attention and the rest of me this evening that Conan O'Brien or someone associated with him posted this bit of awesomeness.

I thought I'd send them an email with my best offer and a few random questions since I've never been a late night talk show host, at least not on tv or where other people have seen me do it.

Anyway, here's my somewhat witty but mostly smart alecky email offer:

I'll take that show off your hands as long as I don't have to wear
pants. I plan on a completely pants free late night talk show.

How much would it cost to have some wandering around the building with
a tshirt cannon randomly asking riddles of people and shooting them
when they answer wrong?

I'm also interested in an indoor bowling alley, an air cannon that can
launch a 2 x 4 through a car door and lots of fiery explosions. By the
way, is it against the law to make chicken carcasses fight on
television? No matter, it can be done in animation if need be.

What would you think about maintaining a two foot layer of fog or
smoke at all times? And skateboard mounted cameras connected to
helmets worn by people in the audience. And a robot that can only make
mojitos. Is there such a thing as jello that forms a hard shell when
exposed to the air? There should be.

I've got $15 I can pay you for the show now and will, brace
yourselves, match it with another $15 once the show is up and running
and making money.

Anyway, I look forward to work of the pending sale. I can live in the
studio too, right?

As you can tell, I have big plans if I'm lucky enough to be the chosen one. But really, someone should get on that jello thing, that would be awesome.

The Hawtness is Notness

My favorite celebrity satire artist, 14, scores a wicked hit again with her: A Madonna Crotch Endorsement 20 Years from Now.

14 does a great job of capturing the little details and the whole package is satire of the highest and funniest order.

Her entire series of work based on Paris Hilton is genuinely hilarious and worth a look. The same for her Rachel Ray series.

Really there's very little that she does in the way of celebrity satire that doesn't score a near direct hit on my laugh at them bone.

I've been working on a collaboration with her for a little while now but its taken a backseat recently due to more pressing issues (like, oh I don't know, breathing). But I am planning on getting back to it when I can think clearly again and feel the burning need to rip some celebs a fresh one (actually, I'm going with some political figures for my write up).

Clearly Named Political Groups

Submitted for your review, a list of political groups with honest names along with suggested spokespeople.

The Christian Coalition of Conservative Dumbfuckery
Spokesidiot: Elizabeth "I'll say any GOP talking point you want even if I have no idea what it means" Hasselbeck

Western Hemisphere Homophobic Knobgobblers
Spokesbottom: Larry "Toe-tapper in the crapper" Craig

Bible Thumping Ass Blaster Meth Master Pastors
Spokespastor: Ted "Gay is bad but feels so good, especially when you're high on meth" Haggard

Single Issue White Haters
Spokesdouche: Rudy "Grinning Goblin of 9/11 Repeatance" Guiliani

Rich White Fat Greedy Assholes
Spokesrectum: Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney

The Alliance to Gang Rape Mother Earth
Spokestwit: Sarah "Drill, baby, Drill" Palin

Patriots for Censorship, Intolerance and Bigotry
Spokescensor: Newt Gingrich

Little Old White Ladies Who Fear Everything Including Black People and Change
Spokestrembler: Cindy "Where's my pills?" McCain

Chinless Warhawk Senator Flip Floppers
Spokestraitor: "Chinless" Joe Lieberman

And there we go. Have you come up with any honestly named groups? Yes, you may have noticed that these are all Republican groups. The reason for that is because the Republican party has, far, far more regularly, than the Democrats, engaged in negative, untruthful smear style campaigning that lowers the debate for all.

I hope this list of groups is marginally humorous. I chuckled a couple of times while writing it, mostly at the first one which I wrote while watching that Parrotard (yes, new word) Hasselbeck become Sarah Palin's only adviser she'll listen to. Plus, I just like saying the word dumbfuckery.

The Leaked Call from McCain to Palin!

Yes, this is racing all over the internets at, well, internets speed. But its pretty funny in a scary kind of way because I'd guess the call really did go down something like this.

Have a listen to McCain's Voicemail to Palin Leaked to Press and have a laugh before you start cringing because these idiots are still in the race.

The Vetting Tapes Released!

I've just received an actual tape of the McCain campaign's call to meet/investigate Sarah Palin before offering her the vice presidency. This is, from all reports, the sum total of their contact before bringing her on board the Double Talk Express.

"Hi, is this Governor Palin?"

"You betcha! I wear lipstick and like earmarks unless you don't like earmarks and then I'll not like them again but only because you don't like them too. Oh and guns, I loooooove guns and shooting animals from airplanes in the air!"

"Heaven help me, your voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard fed through one of those roll & rock amplifiers the kids are so into. I understand you don't believe in global warming, evolution or the reality that Iraq is a colossal fucking mess that we're going to have a nightmare getting out of. How'd you like to be my vice president?"
Unintelligible squealing, hysterical guffaws and some gasps later, "That was a really funny joke, sir."

"No joke, your nasally voice combined with your extremist religious beliefs are just the smokescreen we need right now. The Democrats will shit themselves when I announce you, it'll be great and we can ride a wave of religious nuttery straight into the Oval Office."

"Oval Office?"

"Where the president works in the White House?" said the jowly old senior adulterer from Arizona.

"Oh, I thought you were referring to the toilet, hahaha," she laughed loudly, ironically like a braying donkey.

John McCain held the telephone at arm's length and grimaced.

"Before we go on, you don't have any skeletons in your closet I should know about? No ironic personal affairs that contradict your public statements or abuses of power? Say, how are you on foreign policy?"

"I've been to Canada and Mexico, how's that work? Oh wait, I can see Russia from my desk. And no, I'm an absolute saint, just ask any Alaskan, except those traitorous bastards who had the nerve disagree with me on anything, ever," replied the perky bespectacled zealot.

"You'll be perfect, the Democrats are going to have a nightmare figuring you out and reacting and the feminists are going to shit themselves. Good to have you aboard the Straight Talk Express," said McGrimace.

"Um, sir, do I have to be honest and forthright and truthful on the Straight Talk Express?"

"Oh, hell no, its a GOP thing, we name things the opposite of what they really are. Do
No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act ring a bell? We like to name things so that the knuckleheads will think they're good when they're just the same old disgusting doublespeak the GOP's come to be known for," he answered without even a hint of shame.

"Thank goodness for that, sir, because I can't seem to tell the truth no matter how hard I try. And that was a lie too, I hope nobody starts counting them," she answered.

They exchanged a few more pleasantries, talked about shooting animals from planes and helicopters for fun, about how pro-choice is pro-sin and whether or not creationism should be taught alongside of or just replace evolution entirely in our schools.

The above is totally and absolutely true to the best of my knowledge and I'd swear on a stack of state emails printed out from Governor Palin's Yahoo! account to that end. Or not. Actually, yeah, probably not.

Image used with permission from the Gallery of the Absurd because 14 rocks. Go read and enjoy her entire blog and click her advertisements and leave her comments about how awesome she is.

Got $25? Then Save Your Spot in Heaven!

Reserve A Spot In Heaven is a new, presumably, joke site that purports to guarantee passage beyond the pearly gates and into an eternity of pleasure, joy and elation.

I'd think they might want to add a sliding scale for the more sinful in the crowd that might need an extra push past St. Pete at the gate.

And I'm sure they are doing a brisk business despite the paradox of their money-back guarantee (you need to be dead to collect).

Besides, if you end up in hell there are plenty of lawyers to help you sue.

Doing My Part to Help Out During the Writer's Strike

So alot of the shows on tv have gone into hiding with their writers on strike, including Saturday Night Live and, I'm guessing they have writers, MadTV.

Because the world needs a good laugh and sometimes even a pitying chuckle will do, I thought I'd offer what help I can.

So here's my idea for a couple of skits:
Dog the Bounty Whisperer - an N word spewing Cesar Millan uses passive dominance techniques to control the targets of his operations. He would have a flak jacket, tattoos and a mullet as well as a couple of tough looking leashes hanging from his utility belt. And, once he'd coerced the bail skippers into custody, he'd sit down and have a heart to heart with them about finding Dog.

The Britney Alert - Expanding on the Amber Alert, child abduction notification system, California is planning on implementing the Britney Alert, a system to alert drivers that Britney Spears is driving on public roads and your toes are not safe.

[Update: Another new skit.
Steampunk'd - A new show where people get tricked into thinking something they value has been lost or stolen and it gets a steampunking treatment. And no, Ashton Kutcher will not be hosting. For more Steampunk goodness, swing by the Steampunk Workshop]

Sweet Land of Gluttony

Inspired by that awful commercial I saw last night. (Note, this is just a lark and not meant to injure anyone's feelings).

Sung to the tune of America (My Country Tis of Thee)

My country, tis of thee
Sweet land of gluttony, of thee I cringe
Land of the super sized
Land of the gluttonized
From every tableside let's go and binge

My fattened country, thee
Land of obesity, thy fries I love
I eat thy buffet meals
Fast foods and special deals
My heart with cholesterol, like that above

Let our fat grow with ease
And jiggle down to our knees, sweet fatty's song;
Let mortality take
Let all that lardass shake
Let farts their silence break, that sound so wrong

Our waistband's growth, to thee
Sweet land of obesity, to thee we bring
Long may our belts get tight
With our fork's holy might
Send us a large pizza with everything.