The Church's New Tactic
How do you stem the rising, surging and thrusting tide of ungrateful molestees who keep accussing the church of touching their privates all the while the Vatican has recently stated that condoms don't stop AIDS (utter bullshit and a sign of the further recession of their connection to the real world).
Anyway, here's how you do it, you scare the holy crap out of people by disclosing just how freakin' huge the whole pedophilia, sodomy and other wanton lusty touchings that have been visited upon children by those sanctimonious bastards posing as cultural shepherds of God's flock.
Here comes the word, U.S. Bishop: Sex Abuse Study May Be 'Startling'.

Here let's take a closer look and discuss some of the story's points.

Its purpose was to "re-establish a level of credibility and trust with our people" and to make sure children are protected, Gregory said.

Oh yeah, protect the children, by buggering them all the time. I get it, makes perfect sense.

Boston was the epicenter of a scandal that swept the United States last year after it was discovered that several dioceses had transferred priests known to have abused children from parish to parish without alerting the public.

Oh wait, I think they got things screwed up. That line above about making the children are protected, are they talking about the children of God, i.e. the priests? No, you sick fucks, they're talking about real children, real defenseless little kids who were taught to trust you and you sodomized them. And then you're "Old Somodite Boy Network" kicked in to send you around to some new parishes where you've got more tasty little kids to prey on.

A number of U.S. Catholic officials and Vatican officials have said they felt the U.S. Church had been singled out for scrutiny for a problem that exists in other sectors of American society, including other religions.

Ah yes, the Everybody-Else-Is-Doing-It defense. Um yeah, just because its happening elsewhere as well as in your own hallowed halls certainly doesn't mean its excusable in any way, shape or form.

Last month the Archdiocese of Boston agreed to pay up to $85 million to settle lawsuits filed by hundreds of people who say they were sexually abused by clergy.

You should note that they still didn't accept any guilt for the sexual abuse. They just paid them off and left it at just the accusations of abuse. Isn't the first step in healing the damage or breaking a centuries long addiction to sex with children to admit that there is a problem? It looks like the Catholic Church isn't quite ready to admit it even though they're paying out millions upon millions of dollars in damages to a problem they can't even admit yet. Also, hmm, paying $85 mil because people said they were abused? Would you be willing to pay anyone for something you know for a fact you didn't do? What about if you did do it and they offered this way out to pay for the damages (though how you calculate the damage from a priest sticking his cock up a little child's backside is beyond me but I'm sure there are books in the church on how to do it fairly)? Why the sheer veil of secrecy, come out and admit your crime the faster to absolve yourself of its taint. (That means no more kid sex, padre).

Can anyone else smell the cognitive dissonance?

[Update: This post is an homage to Ryan for his technique of posting a paragraph and then dissecting it. I'm starting small and will work my way up to the multi-page analyses he does. But hey, he's a journo and I'm a flack, he's supposed to be better at it than me!]