I'm So Cool, Even God is Spamming Me Now!
Oh yes, its true, I got an email just a few minutes ago from God (well, one of his fanatical, googly eyed, shiny clean brainwashed disciples).

Want to read it? Emphasis is not added, it was in the text so you KNOW its powerful message.

How could so many people get things so mixed up in such a short time? Let me tell you something.
Religion just isn't going to "cut it" and "being a good person" just isn't enough.
You need a relationship with me! The debt that you owe for the mess you've made is something you can't possibly pay.
That's why I sent my Son, Jesus the Christ! He paid that debt for you with His life! The least you could do is thank Him for it.
If you think that I'm going to chase you down and force you to receive the forgiveness that I have for you, then you’re wrong, DEAD wrong!
I've given you every opportunity. My Spirit has called and called. You need to wake up! I'm sending Jesus back again, and He won't be smiling at those who haven't bothered to seek Him out. This email is yet one more opportunity for you, so why don't you stop right now, pray and let me know that you appreciate what I've done for you. That's all I've got to say. If you want to learn more about me, visiting HERE is a good place to start.

Sorry but I had to pull the links, why in the hell would I want to pimp for God? How about an anti-link instead? No God.com who's motto is great: Jesus is coming! Quick everybody, look busy.

So let's examine the argument set forth in this missive from God (or some horribly misguided idiot with a keyboard and 'net connection). Or, a fisking I will, a fisking I will go, Hi Ho, what's the dealio, a fisking I will go.

How could so many people get things so mixed up in such a short time?
Um, what are you talking about? The sodomy? The idiots in charge of the country making their pals billionaires while poor people die in Iraq? The way people get Disney confused with the Nazi party? What?

Religion just isn't going to "cut it" and "being a good person" just isn't enough.
Oh thank goodness, religion isn't going to "cut it" anymore and I need to be better than just a good person, I need to be a street corner standing, traffic yelling zealot to be good enough.

You need a relationship with me! The debt that you owe for the mess you've made is something you can't possibly pay.
If I can never repay a debt that I never incurred in the first place then why would I even bother trying to repay it? And what mess have I personally made of things? Certainly nothing on any scale grandiose to think you can subvert my life to your liking. And why do I need a relationship with God? What about Allah, what about Buddha, what about a personal relationship with the planet itself? Why does it have to be God? Is he/she a selfish dickweed who doesn't want to share credit or he is just incredibly taken with his own fabulousity?

That's why I sent my Son, Jesus the Christ! He paid that debt for you with His life! The least you could do is thank Him for it.
If you think that I'm going to chase you down and force you to receive the forgiveness that I have for you, then you're wrong, DEAD wrong!
Jesus the Christ? What the fuck is that? How in the hell could Jesus pay a debt for me, oh, 20 CENTURIES before I was born? And since he's been dead all these centuries, how could I thank him? Say Thank You Jesus the Christ out loud? How would that be thanking him? Wouldn't that be just becoming an idolator? And I never, not for a moment, thought that God was going to come down from the skies and chase me around to force forgiveness upon me (though I must admit that the thought of an old bearded guy in a toga chasing me around with a big plate of forgiveness is pretty damned amusing). And, hate to burst everyone's bubble, but we're all dying, we're all going to die so calling me dead wrong is, well, dead stupid.

I've given you every opportunity. My Spirit has called and called. You need to wake up! I'm sending Jesus back again, and He won't be smiling at those who haven't bothered to seek Him out. This email is yet one more opportunity for you, so why don't you stop right now, pray and let me know that you appreciate what I've done for you. That's all I've got to say. If you want to learn more about me, visiting HERE is a good place to start.
Every opportunity to what? Suck up to God? worship him, be like another bleating religious sheep in human clothing? What spirit has called me? I've not heard or felt or otherwise sensed any extra sensory spirit calling but maybe his spirit was calling while I was on the line with another spirit and we just got ride of call waiting for spiritual enlightenment on our holy phones.
And then we get to the threats. God's sending Jesus back and he's pissed off and will be bringing the holy eternal smacketh down upon all who don't believe in him NOW, NOW, NOW!
And then the sell, the Hey-come-here-and-all-your-will-are-belong-to-us bullshit.

Thanks religious spammers, you've taken the concept to a whole new despicable level. I hope there is a heaven and a hell so you can spend your eternities rotating on a spit above Satan's bbq.

And thanks to Margarita Goldman for serving as the messenger for this spam love and threat about the second coming of Christ when he'll be packing heat (that's Hellfire to you, sinner!) and casting the non-believers into the abyss. What a fucking joke these people are.