How to Win a Barfight

Finally, a mere five months and sixteen days into the desktop calendar by the Worst Case Scenario (I wonder if their worst case scenario was getting cancelled, which they did), finally do they post a How To that's useful information instead of how to avoid being abducted by aliens and other poofy filler crap.

So let's hit it, eh? My comments are in italics.

..Where one kick
to the nuts is
good,
fifteen are
all the better...

Most state laws stipulate that you may use sufficient force to stop an attack, but you may not deliver any sort of punitive retribution to your attacker, that means no kicking him in the ribs when he's on the ground. Remembering this may save you a costly trip to court. And really, has there been ANY trip to court that hasn't been costly to someone?

1. Attack the most sensitive areas of your opponent: eyes, groin, knee, and throat. Stay close: if your opponent is large he will need room to hit you. Of course, if he's large enough then he'll just fall on you and squash you like a bug.
2. Attack repeatedly and be efficient. Make fast, repeated blows to any or all sensitive areas. Where one kick to nuts is good, fifteen are all the better.
3. If necessary, use a weapon. Choices include telephones, pens,bottles, books, beer mugs, coffee cups and keys. I'd also have to add: bar stools, smaller bar patrons, pinball machines, pool cues, ash trays, lit cigarettes and Bob the Angry Bouncer.
4. Protect yourself from additional attackers by fighting with your back to (but not up against) a corner or wall. Also a good rule of thumb, stay out of biker bars if you like to pick fights with strangers. Another good rule of thumb is to know when to stand and fight and when to run like frickin' hell.

And folks, take a lesson from Mr. Nicholas Cage's character, Cameron Poe, in the underappreciated and quite good movie, Con Air, if you get in a fight and accidentally or intentionally kill one of your attackers, then you can and will stand trial and may get jail time. Yes, even if you didn't start the fight or intend on killing anyone. Best bet is to back off, let the bouncers deal with the asshole but be aware when you leave the bar later that a seriously pissed off, drunk or otherwise imbalanced jackass may just wait for you.