Goodbye Productivity

I curse Ryan Rhodes for inflicting the awesome hilarity of Texts from Last Night upon me via Twitter.

Seriously, I can't stop reading, laughing and calling over the teacher in the computer lab to read and laugh with me.

The internets are hilarious again! Huzzah!

The Best Craigslist Post EVAR!

To the woman who crapped her pants in my car....

Thanks, Amy. The awesome is super-strong!

Copied here in case it goes missing:
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

Juvenility in Pornisms

Because I am a silly and juvenile boy at heart, here are some Dr. Suess books re-imagined as porn stories.

Horton Hears a Who becomes Horton Hires a Ho
Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You becomes Mr. Brown Can Spew, Can You?
Are You My Mother? becomes Who's Your Daddy?
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish becomes One Squish, Two Squish, Red Squish, Spew Squish
Green Eggs and Ham becomes Green Legs and Slam
Horton Hatches the Egg becomes Horton Humps a Leg
If I Ran the Zoo becomes If I Ran in Poo
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! becomes How the Grinch Poled Christmas
The Cat in the Hat becomes The Cat in the Scat
The Cat in the Hat Comes Back becomes The Cat in the Scat Cums Back
Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories becomes Yertle the Squirtle
Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book becomes Dr. Seuss's Sleeping Around Book
Dr. Seuss's ABC becomes Dr. Seuss's SEX
Hop on Pop becomes Hop on Pop's Cock
Fox in Socks becomes Fox on Cocks
The Foot Book becomes The Foot Book and Other Fetishes
I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories becomes I Can Lick 30 Johns Today!
My Book about ME becomes My Book about Pee
I Can Draw It Myself becomes I Can Jack It Myself
The Lorax becomes The Sore Ass
Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now! becomes Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Blow Now!
Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? becomes Did I Ever Tell You How Fucky You Are?
The Shape of Me and Other Stuff becomes The Shape of My Wang and Other Stuff
There's a Wocket in My Pocket! becomes (duh!) There's a Rocket in My Pocket
Great Day for Up! becomes Great Day for a Schtup!
Oh, the Thinks You Can Think! becomes Oh, the Skanks You Can Skink!
The Cat's Quizzer becomes The Cat's Whizzer
I Can Read with My Eyes Shut! becomes I Can Fuck with My Eyes Shut!
Oh Say Can You Say? becomes Oh, Say Can You Lay
Hunches in Bunches becomes Hump-es in Bunches
The Butter Battle Book becomes The Butterface Battle Book
You're Only Old Once! : A Book for Obsolete Children becomes You're Only Rolled Once! : A Book of Sex for Obese People
I Am NOT Going to Get Up Today! becomes I Am Not Going to Get IT Up Today!
Oh, the Places You'll Go! becomes Oh, the Places You'll Get Blown!
My Many Colored Days becomes My Many Colored Lays
Ten Apples Up on Top! becomes Ten Slapples on my Cock!
I Wish That I Had Duck Feet becomes I Wish That I Had Fucked Pete
Come over to My House becomes Come Over in My House
Wacky Wednesday become Whack Off Wednesday
Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him! becomes Hooker Humperdick...?

Some good ones, one cringeworthy ones. And yes, I did edit out the truly awful ones. My favorite is Horton Hires a Ho.

The Trouble with Little Brothers

One trouble with little brothers is that they always try to steal your thunder.

This is Grady being very proud of the map we drew together. It includes a mountain region, a lake with a big shark in it, a rainforest and a city. And Grady drew the roads in between them all.

He was only too happy to pose for a picture and Sully was only too happy to keep running through the scene with his Dennis the Menace grin in full effect.

For the Kool-Aid Report

Not much explanation needed beyond the image. For the fine and funny folks over at the Kool-Aid Report who have a deep devotion to bacon.

Oh, and if you must buy some, here's a link to the store. Do come back and let us know how it is.

Won't Someone Think About the Poor Yankee Wives

Yes, yes I do have a third grader's sense of humor sometimes. You got a problem with that? I'll shake my wang at ya!

My Son, The Dog

As many children are sure to do, my son is going through a phase where he pretends to be a dog or, less commonly, a cat. He follows Nande, our big hound, around the house, curls up on her bed with her and will "retrieve" items in his mouth.

All of which is pretty funny and entertaining.

But last night took the cake. I made dinner for Nande and put it down for her. Grady came downstairs, saw Nande eating and immediately had to have a bowl of goldfish crackers to eat too. He took the bowl, put it on the floor next to Nande's and proceeded to eat out of it without his hands, like a dog. He even came up to me afterwards to get his after-dinner pet just like Nande does.

It was pretty darned hilarious.

Funniest T-Shirt Ever

I was just reading Mark Morford's latest column about his Christmas wish list and he mentioned what is the funniest t-shirt slogan I've heard of in a long, long time.

Via T-Shirthell (which I cannot view from my school connection) the slogan is:
"Every time you see a rainbow, God is having gay sex"

Guaranteed to cause your narrow-minded associates and family paroxysms. And also pretty damned funny.

My personal favorite for a t-shirt or bumper sticker is "Are you evil or just stupid?"

Lessons from the Cat

I almost forgot to post this from last night. We've been having a minor mouse problem in the house and the cat has started to step up her hunting to compensate, or something.

So she's been pawing at the cabinets in order to get in and see if she can catch one. I let her into the cabinet that has our appliances and then forgot she was in there.

A few minutes lter she decided she wanted out and didn't feel like waiting for us to open the door (all the cabinets have safety latches on them to keep the little boys out).

Instead of making noise to get our attention she took the bull by the horns and got herself out, almost. The drawer above the appliances is where we keep our silverware and it was open a few inches. She figured it was enough and worked her way up and into the drawer.

And got herself good and stuck. Imagine my surprise when I saw her head poking out from among the spoons! With a little extra help, she extricated herself and got out.

The lesson I learned is: Where there is a will, there is a way.

Hee-Larry-Us

Yesterday afternoon Grady tried to put me in a timeout and the way he tried to do it was pretty darned hilarious. He stomps his foot, thrusts his finger out and says "Poppa, you go timeout!"

Of course it doesn't come out quite like that, it sounds like, "Poppa, gotimeout!" and he has the most serious look on his face.

One of my other favorite things he says is in response to me telling him, "I love you Grady" and he will sometimes reply, "I love you, Poppa" and it is about the most heart warming thing you could ever imagine.

He also likes to declare that a particular route is now off limits and he'll stand in the way with his arms stretched out and a very serious look on his face.

Kids are more fun than I ever could have imagined, they are also incredibly tiring and frustrating sometimes. Like last night when he decided that shouting at full volume at the dinner table was not only alright but really, really fun. And then Sully joined in too.