There Are Three Kinds of People in the World...

Finally got around to watching Team America: World Police And wanted to share this great quote:

"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

The movie itself is a pretty average with some funny parts but this mini-speech is the best part of the movie. The whole puppet thing was kind of silly, especially when there were fight scenes that basically meant slap fights. Still funny enough to enjoy though.

What are some of your favorite movie quotes?

The Pornificator Goes to the Movies

Continuing my rather juvenile habit renaming of things with porn names here's the current top ten movies in America re-imagined as porn titles. (** Insert standard apology for being an offensive jackass here. **)

Friday the 13th - Pieday the 69th
He's Just Not That Into You - He's Just Using You
Taken - Jammed In
Coraline - Cockaline
Confessions of a Shopaholic - Confessions of a Nymphomaniac
Paul Blart: Mall Cop - Paul Splurt: Ball Slop
The Pink Panther 2 - The Pink Punter Spew
The International - The In Her Gashional
Slumdog Millionaire - Slamdog Butt in the Air
Push - Push (It In)

My favorite among the bunch? Slamdog Butt in the Air by a country mile (which is just a little more than a city mile due to the earth's curvature).

The SNL Effect Formula

In response to Rick's "Meh" about Idiocracy in my movie review below, I've started to develop a way to gauge the relative suckitude of a movie that has current or former cast members from the once proud and damned funny Saturday Night Live. Note, I say once funny because I haven't found much on the show to laugh at aside from Ashlee Simpson's lip-syncing ridiculousness.

I'm sure others have arrived at this formula before.

There is an inverse relationship between the overall funniness of a movie and the number of SNL cast members in it. Or that should read the overall potential funniness of the movie. If there's just one then there's a good chance its going to be funny. Two means its still got a decent chance at being funny. Three means its getting close to being sympathy funny (if you run into the cast member or a member of their family you'll lie and tell them you loved it) but it has its moments. Four means it probably isn't funny and you'll go out of your way to avoid them. Five or more means it very likely sucks ass and you demanded your money back.

While this formula isn't fullproof and I'm sure there are exclusions and I can't really think of any off the top of my head, it is a reasonably good guideline when you're getting to rent a movie.

In Idiocracy's case, there's Maya Rudolph, David Herman and that's all I could find in the cast without spending more time than this post is worth on. I bet there's at least one or two other minor cast members in there which would put it at a three or four in the formula.

Inspirational Quotes from So-So Movies

We've been on a little bit of a movie watching tear of late, a tear for us is getting through two or three movies in a week.

Part of this tear is because our local supermarket has installed an easy means of movie renting and returning without the need to interact with anyone (have I ever mentioned how many people I talk to in a given day? it can be somewhat overwhelming). Choose your movie, swipe your card, get your movie and go.

Plus, I'm not(oops) checking movie reviews via iPhone before choosing one to help cut down on the crappy movies.

We watched The Waterhorse the other night and I rather liked it though they really stretched the family rating with the violence and gunfire towards the end. Not especially appropriate for the younger viewers like Grady. But gorgeous scenery and pretty well done, if a little maudlin at times but that's part of the Scottish culture so it fit.

The movie we watched last night was okay and suffered because it tried to be more than it needed to be while leaping past important story elements. The movie was Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium starring Dustin Hoffman and the effervescent Natalie Portman (sporting a slick Aubrey Hepburn-esque look and hairstyle). The movie had its moments where it was entertaining and beautiful but it also had too many moments where it felt like it was trying (and failing) to be a new Willy Wonka.

But, amid the pap and trying-too-hard-Hoffman, there were a couple of quotes that I really liked and stuck with me.

The first is:

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

The second is actually a mini scene:

Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

The movie could have been better, it could have developed more characters from the cardboard cutouts (Jason Bateman needed to thaw alot earlier and more noticeably). But at least they had some memorable lines. Some movies don't even have any of those.

Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona! Yes, Peter, that was for you.