Cheesy Love Lube
This week's Cheddar is a penetrating examination of sex and sexuality. Without any further ado, let's dive right in. Ah, but wait, there's a trick this week. Jim has added a twist. One of these responses below it a lie and the game is to try and figure out which one it is.

1. Who's your daddy?
Same as he ever was, he passed away in late 2002 but will always and forever more remain my dad. Only one I've ever had and the only one I'll ever need. And yes, I still miss him.

2. What's your orientation?
Hmm, let's see, legally married and expecting our first child in July. I'm hetero but have written essays about the intrinsic bisexuality of all creatures during my college days. Let's go with hetero with a splash of "other".

3. What's your favorite sexual position?
Depends on where I am in the process. There is one position I especially like, I think its called a flying cross. Then there's the thai basket spinner, that's always good but its a bit of a pain to set up. And there's always the Romeo on the balcony but its just too tiring.

4. How do you feel about porn?
Works for me. Its like all media though, there's decent, well done porn and then there's the crappy low budget garbage that wouldn't get a teenager aroused.

5. How do you feel about same sex porn?
Like all porn, if its done decently, then its watchable. But if its done poorly, then there's no point in watching it.

6. About how often do you engage in sexual relations?
Not often enough right now but I've got a wife who's five months pregnant so I'm cutting her an awful lot of slack. Besides, sex is what got us into this mess in the first place.

7. How often do you masturbate?
In my teens, far more often than was probably healthy. In my twenties, I'd say I was on the upper end of the range even though I was also having sex often enough. In my thirties, less than the other two but still fairly regularly. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands and blow off some steam. (must fight urge to use double entendres, must fight).
7a. (Bonus Question!) What's your favorite euphemism for masturbating?
There are so many but I've always been partial to "choking the chicken" or "choking the bishop". And another one that's not really a euphemism but still makes me laugh, "rub one out".

8. Do you have toys?
Heck yeah, I've got a sport bike, mountain bikes, cruiser bikes, a Playstation 2 and a big old box of Legos. Oh, you meant sex toys? Nope, not really. Does a blow up love doll count as a toy or is it therapy?

9. What was your most intense sexual experience?
A number of years ago, way before I met my lovely wife, I reconnected with a girl I'd known in high school but not well. We hooked up for several days straight, almost literally. The corker to the whole affair was a camping trip to the top of one of the small mountains near my town with a whole bunch of friends for a private Fourth of July party. We ended up making love in the doorway to the cabin (without any witnesses, thank you very much) and I can recall nearly every sensation at that final moment. There have been plenty of other highly intense experiences but I'm not going into them here.

10. How important is sex to maintaining the bond between you and your partner?
Its important but I think affection, reminders of your love for each other, caresses, touching and being with each other is just as important if not more so.

11. Have you ever engaged in same sex activities?
I accidentally kissed one of my good friends growing up many years ago. Nothing sexual about it but it was funny. Beyond that, mum's the word and you can take that however you wish.

12. Have you ever considered "swinging"?
Sure, I've also thought about nudism, pan sexuality, asexuality, bestiality and all kinds of other things. I'm a thinker, I explore my internal world as well as the external. It doesn't mean I engaged in it, just that its passed through my thoughts. By the way, I haven't ever been a swinger and don't think I ever will be. My wife is not a doobie to be passed around, I'm going to bogart my wife.

13. What is your earliest sexual memory?
I don't know how old I was but I distinctly remember my father walking by me once when I was small. He'd just gotten out of the shower and was naked and all I can remember was thinking "Holy shit, my dad's hung!".

14. Have you ever paid for sex? (interpret that however you like)
I've never hired someone for sex, no. But I've taken someone out to dinner, a movie and drinks with the intent of getting laid.

15. Are you more aroused by visual, auditory or sensate (touch) stimulation?
Touch is a good one, the right touch in the right place at the right time can make me sprout instant wood. But so can a whispered word or a tantalizing visual. Hmm, I'll have to go with yes.

16. How long have you gone without sex with another person?
I'm going to assume that this doesn't include pre-pubesence so I think my longest dry spell was about three and a half years. For lots of reasons.

17. How long have you gone without sex period?
Maybe a month but probably closer to two weeks.

18. Do you have to have an emotional connection before having sex with someone? How has that changed as you've grown up?
I used to not really want any emotional connection with the person I was having sex with. But, as I've aged, I've realized that a strong bond can open up new doors to passion and a greater level of intensity. It adds to the spice of the activity, definitely.

Well now, that was fun in a funny sort of way. Want to get in on the Cheddar? Then hie thee to the and bite off some for yourself!