Where Does the Line to Marry Britney Start?
In a move that probably surprised no one and made a few cynics yawn uncontrollably, Britney Spears' Marriage Lasts 55 Hours and, to the profound relief of dirty old men everywhere, she's single again.
Spears' desire to something wild and crazy quickly turned into a desire to make it all go away and to not be the butt of bad joke after bad joke after bad joke. Come on now, Letterman, Leno, Kimmel and all the other late night hacks are having a ball with this pretty stupid and lame news story.

Especially when there's so much better stuff like China going on a civet cat killing rampage to try and contain SARS even though the World Health Organization says there's no link between SARS and the wild cats but China's not taking any chances. In related news, the price of Mushu "Chicken" dropped very sharply in the affected region.

Or Steve Irwin's allegedly reckless endangerment of his very, very young son by exposing him to a crocodile during a feeding session. Folks, the kid was safe, the Croc Hunter's loopy but not stupid or negligent and these are his own kids we're talking about. The remedy here is simple, open legs, remove head from ass and get on with your life.

There's this whole Mad Cow nuttiness. An epidemic and economic ruin to cattlemen because they cut corners and used diseased cow brains to feed other cows with. Um hello, quit feeding cow brains to your stock and there will be no mad cow disease. How hard is that to realize? And just to be safe, I'm not eating chicken anymore either, I remember the story saying they found BGH (bovine growth hormone) in some chicken nuggets so screw that noise, I'm killing stray dogs for meat now.

There's this week's new story about Princess Diana being worried about Prince Charles having her killed in a car accident ten months before she did, in fact, die in a car accident. Will the scandals never cease? Nah, probably not. Oh yeah, Prince Charles? Yeah, he's gay, who knew?

In lighter news, there's this whole furor over the stupid BCS rankings, The BCS fails - - again. The BCS is a wankity computer that decides which college teams are the best in the nation and who gets to meet in the Rose Bowl for the championship game. Only problem is that the system blows partially chewed monkey chunks.

But nope, Britney Spears and her stupid little two and a half day marriage are the news lead for the day. In future watch news, Christina Aquilera is planning on humping some dead chickens in support of the Mad Cow scare and then marrying a middle school janitor so she can annul the marriage in 54 hours to burn Britney and prove she's a bigger and dumber skank.

Happy Tuesdaying to you all.