Downstream Effects of Abuse
This may not be the lightest or most love-ridden post in a little while but I've got a few things in my mind that are rattling the cage bars and demanding entrance into the outside world.
I've been exposed to the effects of abuse my entire life, its something I grew up with because I was raised by a (mostly) single mother who also happened to be a social worker. When I was very young I went on fieldtrips with her and her charges (at the time they were kids not much older than I was in jail for occasionally violent crimes) to places like Hershey Park. I've seen horrible movies of the things that adults have done to children put in their charge, I've seen what parents do to their own children. And its gone a very long ways to making me wholly intolerant of abuse and abusers. Not in the, gee-that's-awful kind of way, more in the take-your-damned-hands-off-the-kid kind of way. I've spoken to mothers who are swatting their children while they're out shopping, I've called the cops on people I think are abusing their wife or children or dogs for that matter.

Yeah, another hot button for me, people who think that they can get away with kicking a dog because it can't call the police on it. Animal abusers are scum, not quite to the same level as someone who hurts defenseless children but close.

Anyway, since my life's horizon has been expanded so much by the entry of Paula, to whom I will forever be indebted for more reasons than I could ever count. But among this new larger view of the world in which I live is a part that is being ruled, dominated and trounced upon by an abusive man. A man who used to beat up the woman he was involved with, supposedly loved even, who now expands his puffy little ego by dominating his children and keeping in constant fear of his rage. A crazy bastard from all accounts, one such story that was later found out to be wrong but still speaks to his temper is that he broke his best friend's hand with a hammer. He didn't do it but the fact that people could tell a story about something like it happening speaks to his instability.

And while he thinks things are going pretty well, he's getting his way and things are working out for him. The downstream effects are frightening to consider. Let's look at the kids involved since they will stand to suffer the most for the longest period of time. The oldest child is not his and does not spend as much time around him as the two younger boys. She's been through her own wringer a few times and appears to be a pretty strong, pretty confident young woman. But we'll see what happens when she starts dating, if she goes for the same kind of bastard that did for her mother. It would be a tremendous shame as she's a beautiful young woman with quite alot of promise. Time will tell.

The two smaller kids are his, both boys. And are subject to legally prescribed visitations from a man without their best interests at heart, without their futures driving his present life with them. They are parts of HIS world and as such, less important than he is. The youngest has a hiding place at his father's house where he knows he can go and hide when his father gets into a furious and potentially violent mood (which happens with some frequency from all accounts I've heard). These boys have been taught how to disrescect their mother and they're not even teenagers yet. They destroy their possessions and demand her to buy new ones, they lash out violently and get what they want. All this negative and dysfunctional behaviour being demonstrated by the father is being passed on, part and parcel, to the boys. They will likely grow up to abuse their families as well. Or they'll get into trouble with the law and end up in jail forever.

And this walking shitloaf of a man calls himself a father? He must think he's doing right by them but can't either not see or has rationalized the damage he's done to them. That he's "toughening" them up for the real world.

Oh shit, a quick side note, that argument about the real world being hard and harsh bothers the hell out of me. If the real world's that nasty then don't expose people to it just make them get ready for it, make the home a beacon of security and safety from the frenzied insanity of the outside world. A home should be the refuge from the stresses of the world, not another microcosm of it. That's just plain mean, stupid and short sighted.

So let's fast forward to ten years from now since the boys will be 20 and 18 at that point. The 20 year old will likely have spent time in prison or jail for anger related crimes. The 18 year old will have probably wrecked a couple of cars, developed a serious smoking habit, maybe a drug habit to go with it. Both will have lots of tattoos, not much education and very bad social skills. They'll date lowest common denominator women who will take whatever abuse they choose to dole out because they know they have to. And abusers can sniff out the weakest in a herd and take them for their own. Somehow they can see the people who are damaged and horn right in on them to propogate their abusive ways though that's likely not even the first consideration.

In some ways, abuse can be seen as a living entity. It passes from generation to generation, given away in shouting matches, slaps and other violent means to make a point. Scare tactics become the norm and reality turns into a distorted shouting match punctuated by physical moments of extreme violence usually followed up by honeymoon periods of extreme kindness and gentleness. Partially because the good times give the abusee a rationale to hook themselves on, "He's just so nice but sometimes loses his temper, he really loves me, I know it. And he's going to change, he told me so." He is going to change, he's going to go back to hitting you and using your head for a basketball.

Wake up and realize that the good times are only there to lure you into a false sense of He's-gonna-change-itis. He ain't changing, ever. Get your stuff and get the hell away from him. I'll probably write about this more but for now this'll have to be the start.