Taking Stock

It has been a little while I've taken a few minutes to take stock of where things are and where we are going in the near term.

The big news in our house is that Sullivan is 6 years old and let me tell you, that kid knows the significance of his birthday! His birthday desires change almost with each breath. What he will likely end up with as his bigger present is going to be an upgraded bike. He has borrowed his brother's bigger (geared and cable brakes) mountain bike and is clearly ready to upgrade. Both of the boys have outgrown their bikes and Grady is now riding his Specialized Hot Rock exclusively. Sully's new bike is a Giant MTX 125 and should suit him for a couple of years, I hope.

It hasn't all been joyous. Grady crashed pretty hard the other day while my wife was out with the boys riding. Yeah, I also got her bike back into running condition and she's been getting out and rolling with them. I'm going to start again soon, as soon as my legs are back into feeling decent.

I competed in my second Avia Wildflower Mountain Bike Triathlon this last weekend. The first time was in 2010 and involved both my wife and I racing and the whole family going on our first camping trip together at the same time. It was quite a bit to bite off on the first effort and, overall, went pretty damned well. This year's race ended up being a solo affair. It involved a butt-ass early wake up and roll, up at 4:30 and out the door by 5:05. Drove to Lake San Antonio to get in the park before the closed the road down for the day's races (no entry or exit between 8 and 3). The nice thing is that I got there in plenty of time. Got parked, had time to relax and unwind from the drive. Slowly got my gear together, coasted down Lynch Hill (a massive high speed bomber run) and got all checked in and marked up. The race itself was pretty good although I made an error on the swim which cost me some time and I ended up swallowing quite a bit of lake water in the choppy spot I got caught in. Oh well.

The rest of the race was pretty decent. I felt slower on my bike than expected and the hills were a little tougher. I could also feel my calves trying to cramp up on me on the second lap. I was able to hold off the cramps, finish the ride, stretch a little bit and then get out on the run and complete the race before the cramps really took hold and locked down my legs. I should have made the extra effort to get in for a sports massage last week during my final preparations for the race. A painful lesson that I'm still feeling the after-effects of today. My quads are still barking at me whenever I get up to walk around. Will get out of for a light bike ride today to start spinning them back into shape.

Overall, I shaved time on all three disciplines, most in the run and swim and a little bit on the bike. One transition was faster but the other was slower by the same amount so they were a wash. And the hardest part of the day was actually driving home with some torched legs. I really wished I'd had cruise control (or, more accurately, working cruise control) in my car. I actually had to stop and stretch out my legs so I could press down on the gas pedal.

It was a good race and I'm looking forward to going back again next year with my family to enjoy camping and racing together.

There are a number of other developments in the works these days but I'm not quite ready to pull the cover back just yet.

Things are not bad right now, that could change as soon as tomorrow but, for now, things are decent and looking up!

Scorecard Weekend Wrap

Decent form but my center of gravity is too high.

Like much of my life, my expectations and reality are like ships passing in the night, they can see each other but are clearly not on the same trajectory. But all is well that ends well which is a more elegant way of saying that as long as you wrap up the weekend on a high note, the rest of it will seem that much better through that lens.

And the weekend did wrap up nicely. I finally got out for a very badly needed mountain bike ride, book ended by some laps on the pump track, the later laps with my two boys rolling too. Lots of fun and really a great place for them to get some exercise and learn how to handle their bikes better. So much fun that today actually marks the fourth straight day of pump track fun for them.

A New Day Dawns

When the pathways of communication are opened up, a whole new world of understanding can be reached. When those pathways are blocked, understandings quickly become misunderstandings which fester into resentment, anger and chasms.

But it is a simple (though occasionally rather painful) remedy to reopen those lines of communication.

Where I was several days is not even close to where I am today. Life turns, bad can become good and vice versa but we'll be working hard to keep in the good.

As always, I have no idea what the future holds but I know what the present holds and I'm not miserable or angry anymore. Here's hoping the good times hang around for a long, long time. It makes life so much more enjoyable that way.

Apologies for the Cryptic Doom & Gloom

Thank you to the readers, friends and family members that recognized my personal bat signal in the last couple of posts. Believe it or not, just knowing that there are people out there who are concerned for me and want to help has helped me alot.

It is all too easy to feel isolated and alone when struggling with major personal obstacles. You all have helped me to see that I am not alone, that I do have support and people who love me and care about me. That means alot. Really. More than I can say.


All I really do know is that life doesn't need to be so unpleasant and harsh.

Life is Precious

In the span of just about 72 hours there were some significant events in both my immediate circle and in my circle of internet friends. Some of these events were wonderful and one has been heartbreaking.

Two sets of friends became engaged over the New Year. One couple's been together for a number of years and probably just got tired of getting asked when they were gonna get hitched. The other couple has a shorter "time served" but I think it was apparent pretty early on that they were moving in this direction. I couldn't be any happier for both couples unless the one couple makes the decision to stay on this coast and not move back to New England.

And some other good friends welcomed a brand new baby boy into the world. Not too many details as of yet and not even a name but he's healthy, his mom is healthy and the baby boy's big sister is looking forward to having someone to boss around.

And then on the other side of the coin, a long time friend and his wife were just over halfway through their pregnancy with twins when something caused her to go into labor. The twins, a tiny little boy and girl, were born 17 weeks early and given the slimmest of chances to survive. His little boy survived for just over two days before the myriad complications from such a premature birth overwhelmed his tiny systems and he passed on. I can only imagine the grief and sadness and, yes, anger in such a devastating and terrible loss. The little girl, for now, appears to be "making it". It is my deepest hope that she does for out of great pain and suffering can come the most exquisite beauty and joy. That and Ryan deserves some measure of peace.

Update: Ryan just tweeted to me that Zoey, the surviving twin sister, is doing well and might even be taken off the ventilator today. This is extremely great news!

There are plenty of other things going on these days, the first tottering steps of the new year. But I'll leave those for another post.

Life is precious. Life is fleeting and can end in the blink of an eye. Life can end even before its begun and still make an enormous impact on those around it. Life isn't fair nor does it pretend to be. Hold on to your loved ones, tell them that you love them, show them that you love them. Life is a precious gift that can be taken away too quickly.

Things I'm Thinking About

Like most other people with ADHD, I've usually got five or six (or more) things juggling around in the front of my thinking. There's work stuff, geeky tech stuff, Kyani stuff, exercise stuff and lots more. I thought I'd share some of the cooler things that have passed my plate recently.

YouTube hack - found a video on YouTube that you love, love, love and you want to have a local copy on your computer or one that you can put on your iPhone or other portable device? There's a very cool way to do that. Replace the "Y" in YouTube with a "3" and you will be presented with an option to download the file in two different formats. It doesn't work perfectly all the time so be patient but it definitely does work and is very cool!

There was a cyclist killed on Monday morning in Los Gatos. His name was Joshua West, he was a single father of a seven year old girl. He was killed by an SUV that had drifted onto the sidewalk (note, he was on the sidewalk at an intersection, stopped) and annihilated him from behind. There were no skidmarks from the SUV indicating he didn't even see Joshua until after he had killed him. I spent a major portion of yesterday thinking about his daughter and the fact that her life has been completely ruined by a jackass named Kevin Derr who, according to eyewitnesses, was traveling at around 50 mph in a 30 mph zone when he killed Joshua. The link above includes information on how to donate to a memorial fund for his daughter. I am planning on donating to it and hope others will as well.

And, as I was writing the above, Jay posted more crappy news about another cyclist getting killed by an inattentive or distracted driver. And another kid who's lost his father needlessly because people can't seem to put down their damned phones while they are driving. Very sad!

On to lighter things, I've been geeking out on Logitech's very cool and fun to play with TouchMouse app and software. It allows you to control your Mac using your iPhone or iPod Touch. It is, for all intents and purposes, magic.

For some gorgeous and insane photographs of the 2010 Toughman Challenge, check out The Boston Globe's Big Picture series. Not only is the race crazy, the photographs from it are astounding.

I have truly started to doubt the competency of the San Francisco Giants leadership group. They fell all over themselves to pay Barry Zito a ridiculous sum to be a bottom half of the rotation pitcher and they are trying to lowball the best pitched in baseball, Tim Lincecum. Seriously? The guy's won the Cy Young in his first two years in the league and they don't want to pay him what he's worth? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I say they go back to him and add 10% to his last salary request. Do not piss off The Francise because he is the future of the club.

Plus, I need to talk with my doctor about possibly trying a differnt ADHD medication to see if something else might work a little better for me. Which presumes, of course, that I remember to take it every day which I've forgotten today and will take it right now.

And, oh yeah, our pending move, the upheaval, stress, painting and prepping and everything else that goes with relocating a family of four with a dog, cat and two fishtanks. When do we get to the easy part?

Because Sometimes Things Really Are Better Left Unsaid

There are plenty of things in one's life that are best kept to oneself. And then there are a whole host of other things that just don't need to be published on a blog for anyone and everyone to read since I really don't have any control over who logs in here to read my posts. Nor do I have any record of these visitors save cryptic IP addresses.

It is probably saying too much even to say this. Last week was a very tough one for me emotionally. I felt deeply let down by some people that are very close to me. Since then, my attitude has ranged from disappointment to abandonment to anger to fear and all points in between.

But because I'm a naturally optimistic person, this week is bound to be different. I've got plans to make things better regardless of external sources.

I don't know what's going to be the lasting effects of what happened last week but I do know that there will be some.

Onward and upward.

Captain Bringdown Makes Another Draft Post

One might think that there's nothing going on here on this blog. Or that there hasn't been since the burst of posting the other day when my hosting provider got their head up their ass and tossed my site.

But oh let me tell you how many posts I've started, stopped, erased, restarted, re-erased, deleted, pasted from the clipboard to recover them and then set them as draft nonetheless. It could fill novels with awful rants, invectives, explanations and half-dissected personal examinations.

Why? Because there are conversations that are better left unpublished, there are feelings that are best left unshared, there are things that are definitely best left unsaid. Because there are already plenty of things have been said that have done nothing but cause me more misery and grief.

I don't expect much of this to make sense, not much of it makes sense to me. But I've gotten myself to this place, I expect I'll get myself out, I'll just come out with alot more scars and even more cynicism.

I guess I'm just at the bottom of the roller coaster these days. But it does seem like I've been spending a rather inordinate amount of time in Suckland lately and I'm ready for a fucking change for the better.

Trouble in Paradise: The Radio Edit

Rather than expose all of my disgusting and streaky dirty laundry I will take the (somewhat) higher road, as I can.

The top level point is that appearances can be deceptive. What can appear to be a happy house can, in fact, be a depressing hellhole of resentment, anger, violence and lots and lots of shouting.

Which pretty well sucks but there it is.

I could explain, I could dissect, I could dig into it and expose the problems here on this blog but it wouldn't solve anything and would almost certainly result in ever greater aggravation which I have a rather vested interest in trying to cut down on. My reality is nothing like you would expect it to be. No wait, that's not entirely true, there are aspects of my days that are exactly like you'd expect.

I have deeply joyful times playing with my two boys. They are a never ending source of fun, energy, laughter and entertainment. They really are fantastic little guys.

My dog is a teeter-totter of fun and aggravation. She can be loads of fun to play with in the backyard or out biking on the trails but she can also be an extreme annoyance when she won't stop whining or barking or both. To the point where I come close to becoming unglued. It isn't pretty nor do I have anything but shame about not being able to maintain my composure.

And then there's my wife. I was once told that, in the absence of anything good to say, don't say anything at all. I'll just say that we're struggling to get on the same page these days and leave it at that.

I wish I could be a happier camper on this Monday morning but I'm just not there yet.

The Lives Others Lead

You know the strangest thing about life, it never stops going. Not for an instant, not for me, not for you and not for anyone else.

And its easy to forget that everyone else has a life that's following its trajectory, peaking, subsiding and peaking again.

In the midst of living my life with my wife, kids, dog, cat and various projects, issues, problems, resolutions and all the other whatnot, I lose track of what is happening in other arms of my family, amongst my friends and it gets worse the farther away from me it goes.

But sometimes someone else does the legwork to put together a really useful and illuminating summary of a life that is close to yours. In the most recent example, my uncle's life work was profiled by a local website to his company and home in Georgetown. I knew a little bit of what he did and had done but I had absolutely no idea he was such a major league asskicker and that his goals are very, very closely in alignment with my own.

Of course, he's had the same goals for the last 40 years or more. Mine have really come into focus since I had children of my own and I realized just how important education and positive role models are for them. And I want the absolute best that they can get. My wife and I take an active role in trying to educate and help our boys learn and expand their world's. Sadly, many parents don't seem to see the value or enjoyment in doing so.

And then I heard an update about friends that moved out of state a few years ago. Apparently, the woman was running and collided with a cement basketball hoop foundation. She ended up fracturing her femur (yeah!) and mangling both elbows so she was wheelchair bound without the ability to even scratch her nose for a few months. Oh yeah, the couple also has a fairly new baby to be caring for as well. That's a reality that I don't want to experience firsthand at all.

Slack on Blogging

I cannot tell a lie, nor would I directly contradict easily demonstrable reality. I have been a slack blogger. Kind of strange that I have less time to blog now, when I'm not working full-time, than when I am working full-time and that sort of tells me that maybe my time wasn't being spent especially wisely. Maybe it still isn't.

Either way, it isn't that there isn't plenty going on. Far from it, there is always alot going on in my house. With two little boys, a rambunctious hound and my wife and me, dull moments are as rare as quiet ones.

The funny thing is that I've had several really good posts begun in my mind. About this last weekend's birthday party and stroll through a bamboo forest. About Curt Schilling sticking his entire leg in his mouth by spouting off about Barry Bonds'. About the Red Sox bottom of the ninth comeback win against the O's the other night (hint, I was not pleased). About the fun we had in applying for four passports with expedited service to, hopefully, get them back in time to make a family trip to Mexico in June. About a couple of new ventures I've been exploring. A new invention on top of the other new invention that we've begun to make prototypes of. New words, new blog names, funny observations (well, potentially funny) and a couple of funny photos as well.

But nope, instead you get this lame excuse for a post discussing what I should have been posting. If only for an extra three or four hours in the day.

Which reminds me, I got to get to bed, tomorrow is barrelling down on us like a truck filled with 30,000 pounds of bananas and bad brakes.