The Top Ten Most Annoying People in Hollywood

My totally subjective list of the top ten or eleven most annoying people in Hollywood. With links to sites that make fun of them where possible. Why yes, I am feeling snide today, thanks for asking.

1. Paris Hilton - never let a lack of talent or an eye that can't open all the way stop you from inflicting your talentless ass on the universe by a "leaked" (and boringly bad) sex tape scandal.

2. Tori Spelling - dumb, dumb Donna. Who knew she wasn't acting when she was inflicted on 90210 as the idiot blond?

3. Tom Cruise - the reincarnation of Napoleon with wolf teeth and a penchant for couch jumping and ignorant superiority complexes.

4. Sean Combs - Dude, just close your mouth every once in a while. Please. Do it for the children.

5. Kathy Griffin - yeah, not top ten material but the spiritual incarnation of Carrottop's feminine side is about as funny (that is, not at all) and almost as sexy (that is, not in any way, shape or form). She makes Jose Canseco's hair style look decent and that's saying an awful lot.

6. Sarahika Jessica Parker - horses should not wear eyeliner and lots of rouge, some might even call it cruel. She's hideous and annoying.

7. Mel Gibson - drunken hate speech is just the same as sober hate speech, just more honest. Shame because The Road Warrior is one of my all-time favorite movies (I grew up in the VHS era and it was one of the few movies we had on tape, I must have watched it three dozen times).

8. Robin Williams - dude, Mork & Mindy got canceled decades ago, please find a new schtick.

9. Ellen Degeneres - if self-deprecation was an art-form then she'd be freakin' da Vinci. And her clothes bug me too. Luckily she's got an amazingly hot girlfriend soon to be wife that helps offset her rather high standalone annoyance factor.

10. Donald Trump - not restricted solely to Hollywood as he's a power player in New York too (and don't you DARE fucking forget it or he'll destroy you just because he can). Teh Donald is Teh Jackass with a Ridiculous Wig who looks like he sucks lemons all the live long day.
And one more because I nearly forgot about him.

11. Shia LaBeouf - goofy names aside, this kid is a walking tool with a shoulder on his chip. Every photo of him I've seen he's got some cheesy peach fuzz thing going on and is trying to look like a tough guy when he's a wee little punk. His recent drunk driving accident and subsequent hand mashing is just the latest in a series of really asinine events including getting arrested for refusing to leave a Walgreens, an arrest for unlawful smoking and a video of him calling his buddies fags surfaced and he just comes off as a colossal shitheel.

Dishonorable Mentions: Those who are annoying but don't quite ascend to the levels the top ten get to.
David Schwimmer, Mario Lopez, the gay guy on Debra Messing's show, Tony Danza, Michael Richards, Andy Dick, Carlos Mencia, Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan (Dude, lose the friggin' Do Rag, you're like 50).

I'm sure I'll remember several others the instant this posts but this'll do for now.

Cock Punch Tuesday

I'm feeling a little extra cynical this morning so I thought it would be fun to go through an off-the-cuff list of people in the news who really need a good, hard cock punch and why.

George Bush - um, because he's been a miserably crappy jackass of a president
Bono - his desperate need for a cock punch is only outpaced by his desperate need to appear to be a good and decent guy when he's really a colossal douchebag
Al Davis - thanks for continuing to guide the Raiders into the black hole that is your own asshole, your public emasculation of Lane Kiffin to try and force him to quit to save $4 million is beyond contempt and you have doomed your team to the cellar until you sell them or die
Arnold Schwarzenegger - you want to shut 48 California State Parks to save $13 million over two years, the asinine-dness of this proposal is truly staggering
Bud Selig - thanks for being a hypocritical ass
Roger Clemens - you juiced, everyone knows it, quit pretending you didn't because all its doing is making you look like an even bigger dick than you already are
Lynne Spears - you writing a book on parenting is like Ted Bundy writing a book on dating tips, you are an all-time hall of fame bad parent of an insane 20something and a pregnant 16 year old, your parenting advice is laughable
Jessica Simpson - just because the stupidification of America started with you, you incredibly dense simpleton
Rudy Guiliani - every day you look more and more like a ghoul with receding lips and gums, like monkey trying to show dominance or something
Tom Cruise - dude, just shut up and go away. You and your scam religion are just annoying and stupid

That's all I've got for right now, I'm sure there are more. Who do you think is in desperate need of a cock punch?

Glass Houses, Nasty Stones and Childbirth

Harshest words saved for Britney's body

Sure, she may have sucked nuts on her performance and made a bad choice for costume. And granted that I haven't seen a moment of any video from the event. Nor did I have the slightest interest in watching since MTV long ago lost me as a viewer.

But I have seen a bunch of photos from her performance and I find it kind of amazing that people are people so harsh on her for her body. For a mother of two, she looks pretty excellent and I think the critics just pounced on what they felt was an easy target.

I wonder how any of them would look in a wee number like Teh Brit sported? Not half as good, I'd wager. She looks healthy, she doesn't look like a malnourished heroin addict with blond extensions.

There's a reason she's not a skinny teen with big boobs. She's not a skinny teenager anymore. I think expectations were way out of line with reality, ten years is ten years on anyone. And the criticisms do further harm to a generation of teen girls looking at her and being told she's fat.

[Update: Apparently she showed up several hours late for a rehearsal, drunk. That can work for you if you're Frank Sinatra but he didn't have the complicated dance moves or a bikini on. And she refused to wear the outfit MTV chose, a corset-ty number that would have covered her up more. But she chose the skimpy bra and panties numbers, which I maintain looked pretty damned good. And I did see some video of her "performance", it was worse than bad, it was pitiful. And awful.]

The World's Most Attractive Woman To Get Single Again

Rushdie Files for Divorce from Padma Lakshmi, the incredibly beautiful host of Top Chef. With apologies to Liz, who's still smoking but falls just short of the crown.

Rushdie's a smart but fairly unattractive guy. Padma is astonishingly beautiful, like she's got an inner glow that permeates her entire being. She also carries herself with grace and class, I think that adds an awful lot.

Is it just me or are the Bollywood starlets a whole other level of beauty from what we've got over here?

At least they don't get photographed with their coochies on display (coughcoughLindseycoughcough).

Siding With Rosie

Rosie, Elisabeth Wage Angry War of Words on what is probably one of the worst shows ever in the history of television. I didn't watch this episode and haven't ever watched more than ten seconds of it before.

But I've seen enough to know that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is an absolute fucking moron Republican parrot. She is embarrassingly stupid. And I actually feel pity for Matt Hasselbeck to have to put up with her but he's probably a Republican ass-sucker too so they're just thrilled as they drive around in their Hummer.

I'm no fan of Rosie's but I am definitely an anti-fan of Hasselbeck's. The words she utters are so wrong I just want to smack her in the face.

Anyway, this was this evening's tawdry "celeb" (in quotes because this barely qualifies as celeb news, one is a has been and the other is a never was) news.

Celeb News Wrap

We can all rejoice because there will be less Donald "Sucking Lemons" Trump on the idiot box come fall. The Apprentice has been cancelled. Which is good for two reasons, one, it was a pretty limp show to begin with and two, Donald Trump has a face for radio, at best. The ugly putz should not be on TV, ever. His daughter? Sure. Him? Hell no.

And, in other schadenfreude news, Paula Abdul busted her nose trying to avoid stepping on her dog. I no longer try not to step on my dog. If she's going to lay down where she knows I'm going to walk then she's going to get stepped on or kneed on the way through. I'm not breaking my damned nose just because she needs to be in my way, sorry. I wonder if Paula was, ummm, medicated at the time?

Kirstie Alley is the New Carrot Top

If you've had a television turned on within a hundred yards of you within the last six months then you've been shilled at by Kirstie Alley for Weight Watchers. Now with Valerie Bertenelli (who is still as cute as a button and remains a crush object from waaaaay back in the day).

The only thing is, Kirstie looks awful and her "humor" is almost as funny as cancer. The ads are aggravating and I don't understand how and why she's a spokesperson for a weight loss scheme when she is overweight, looks bad and apparently refuses to pay more than $20 for a dye job on her hair. And she has a voice like a warbling howler monkey.

I'm sure I'm being petty but I really don't care all that much. I need a filter for my box that allows me to circumvent personalities that are detrimental to my mental health or blood pressure. The short list would include: Kirstie Alley, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Tony Snow, Paris Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, any and all characters from Friends with the potential exception of Matt Leblanc but he'd have to be taken on an case by case basis, the rest of them could be stuffed in an industrial shredder for all I care, Madonna (adoption is NOT a friggin' PR opp, you skanky old 'Ho!), Bud Selig because everything he says is a lie or just intended to cover his own ass and assets (dirty much, Bud?), Gilbert Gottfried (a living made by having a voice that makes people want to punch you again and again, nice work, whiny) and I'm sure I could go on and on but I'll stop here, post this and then move on to the next task, of which there are plenty.

Happy Monday, Universe! Let's hope this week sees some movement forward on the work and/or income front.

Get Ready for Some Checkbook Justice!

Prosecutors: Revoke Hilton's Probation because they have clear proof that she's driving on a suspended license after her DUI a while ago.

Does anyone really think Paris Hilton is going to do jail time for this? It'll cost a whole bunch but checkbook justice will prevail.

Besides, if she blasts her Ferrari into a tree while shitfaced then it really wouldn't be much of a loss and she'd be immortalized.

But the Anna Nicole stuff needs to die down first. Scheduling is everything, ya know?

Anyway, I like the idea of Paris Hilton in prison. I'm sure Fox would turn it into a HEEE-LARIOUS reality show.

Anna Nicole Skips Out on Paternity Trial by Dying

Geez, what some people will do to avoid a court trial.

Anna Nicole Smith Dies at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel. Circumstances of her death have not been released, yet.

Speculation is that she passed away when trying to get a drink of water, the toilet seat broke her neck.

Sorry, that was irreverent of the newly departed. Oh well.

But the story isn't over yet, there's still the question of her daughter's paternity which means someone's gonna become a new daddy and rich as sin in one fell swoop.

Today is a sad day for bimbos the world over.