Guilty Pleasure

Guilty Pleasure

I've been wrestling with this for a couple of weeks now. The guilt I feel when I go out and have a good time knowing that people in my family are sick, one is dying though she's in her late 90's now. I know, logically, that its not wrong, that life must and will continue. And that stopping living because others are having a tough time of it is the same as me dying.
But I've not been able to shake the guilt. I felt it most of last night even amidst wild dancing and partying and having fun with my pals (my friend, Patrick, played at a local bar last night with his band, Spun). After parties until the not so wee hours of the morning. I knew it was unequivocally time to go home when the destruction started, a pal's teak bench was sacrificed to the beach last night (or this morning actually). I didn't do it but was certainly guilty by association and I had to lie to my friend to avoid a serious altercation.

That stuff's been more or less cleared, I'm not on a shit list with my pal. But his bench was destroyed. Sorry James.

But back to the topic. Right now, three members of my immediate family are sick. Two with cancer and one with age. Its a shitty and unpleasant thing to think about and deal with. Especially because they are all back on the east coast and I'm oh so far away in my little seaside paradise. But I talked with my mom today and then my dad this evening and both tried to assuage my guilt knowing that it was not terribly useful or productive. But sometimes you just cannot help but feel like at least feeling bad is something. Things are not as grim as they seemed before I spoke with them both.

Since I opened the can, I'll explain a little more. My father's cancer has returned and spread. He's been through this before but things have very much changed in the intervening years and the treatment is better, less disruptive and has a much higher success rate. He'll be okay because I know his spirit is strong, he's getting treated by one of the leading doctors in the world and he's surrounded by positive influences who love and support him. And since I told my Dad about this blog today and he'll probably take a look soon, I love you Dad. We don't say it often enough but I love you and need to have you in my life. Get well!

The other cancer is my brother in law, Dave (Dr. Dave actually). He's not much older than I am but has cancer. And quite honestly, that scares the holy shit right out of me. He's young, athletic and healthy and he has cancer. It makes me feel like there's a weight on my chest. And Dave, if you happen to come across this and read it. I love you too, brother. You're part of my family as I am a part of yours. This year's family vacation will be quite a different one from last year. But I am very much looking forward to seeing everyone, the little boys especially because they are our future. Dave's cancer is a scary kind in that it could go wild and kill him inside of two years or he could live for another fifty years.

And that gets me back to the talk about guilt. To borrow a paraphrase from BladeRunner, nobody knows how much time she has left, but then again, none of us, none of us ever do. And that means to me that each day should be treated like a gift, a precious and momentary thing, something we can never have again, never get back, can never save and use later. After each day passes, its gone forever.

Don't take tomorrow for granted. Don't waste time, don't assume that you have a lifetime ahead of you to do all those things you wanted to do. Get up off your ass and do them. Now. And don't forget to tell the important people in your life that you love them. You never know when the clock runs out on any of us.

Which brings me to the logical conclusion of this post. No need to feel guilty for taking pleasure in living in while someone close to you is not doing well. Support them, by all means, but continue living and loving.