When The Illiterate Name Children

I get the desire to have a unique name, I get the desire to carve out a little specialness for each child because each child is special and unique and awesome unto themselves.

However, there are some issues I have with people naming their children names that they don't really know how to spell. There should be a requirement to be able to spell a name properly before you are allowed to use it to name your kid.

I mean, seriously, did the parents of one student at my school actually intend on giving their child the middle name of Annn? What about the proud parents of Jonahtan (yes, that's Jonah-tan)? Or what about the boy who's middle name is Joesph?

The world is in dire need of a spell check.

And, almost forgot, please do not ever name your kid after the kind of car you want, most especially if you aspire to own a Chevy or Hyundai. Or a city, unless its something cool like Biloxi or Mississuaga, not Paris or anything lame like that. Your cooperation is appreciated by both me and your offspring who will be less likely to get beat up for having a stupid name.

The Unique Naming Thing Has Officially Gone Too Far

I was just watching Pimp My Ride where they took a piece of shit Subaru and turned it into a rally car with a couple of other special things. Overall I thought the job they did was pretty mediocre. Some of the cars they redo are pretty good, most are gaudy and cheesy as hell looking. And I expect that the cars get beat to hell pretty quickly since most of the owners are irresponsible or their car's wouldn't be so beat to hell in the first place.

But what I wanted to write about was the name of the car owner's friend which is the official tipping point for stupid names.

Her name was Loinette. Loin-ette. Like a small loin. A loin is a human or an animal's crotch.

What kind of crack were her parents smoking to come up with that freakin' name?

Also, there's an announcer on Disney, a black girl named Simmi, as in simian. Awful and wrong.

Almost as bad are the people with standard names just spelled in the most annoying way they could come up with. I saw a photographer named Airic which was stupid and pretentious. But not the absolutely most annoying way to spell Erik. No, that would be Aeryique. Makes you want to puke and then punch me in the face, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, I know a little boy who's name is, no joke, Draco. Luckily he's going to be a big boy when he grows up so he'll be able to kick the hell out of people who make fun of him.

Parents, name your dog or cat those stupid, stupid names and try to name your children something reasonably normal. Or, if you're going to go unique, then keep in mind that your kid is going to have to live with it until they're old enough to change it legally themselves. Or make it a name that lends itself to a shorter and less "out there" name. Please, for all our sakes.