I'm feeling a little extra cynical this morning so I thought it would be fun to go through an off-the-cuff list of people in the news who really need a good, hard cock punch and why.
George Bush - um, because he's been a miserably crappy jackass of a president
Bono - his desperate need for a cock punch is only outpaced by his desperate need to appear to be a good and decent guy when he's really a colossal douchebag
Al Davis - thanks for continuing to guide the Raiders into the black hole that is your own asshole, your public emasculation of Lane Kiffin to try and force him to quit to save $4 million is beyond contempt and you have doomed your team to the cellar until you sell them or die
Arnold Schwarzenegger - you want to shut 48 California State Parks to save $13 million over two years, the asinine-dness of this proposal is truly staggering
Bud Selig - thanks for being a hypocritical ass
Roger Clemens - you juiced, everyone knows it, quit pretending you didn't because all its doing is making you look like an even bigger dick than you already are
Lynne Spears - you writing a book on parenting is like Ted Bundy writing a book on dating tips, you are an all-time hall of fame bad parent of an insane 20something and a pregnant 16 year old, your parenting advice is laughable
Jessica Simpson - just because the stupidification of America started with you, you incredibly dense simpleton
Rudy Guiliani - every day you look more and more like a ghoul with receding lips and gums, like monkey trying to show dominance or something
Tom Cruise - dude, just shut up and go away. You and your scam religion are just annoying and stupid
That's all I've got for right now, I'm sure there are more. Who do you think is in desperate need of a cock punch?
Showing posts with label cock punch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cock punch. Show all posts
1.29.2008
3.15.2007
A Man Deeply in Need of a Cock Punch
Simon Cowell, the farkin' asshole judge on American Idol, will declare in an interview for "60 Minutes" to air this Sunday that he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen.
Yes. Because Bruce Springsteen's only recorded a whole crapload of songs that are part of the American fabric and Simon "Farkin'" Cowell has sat in disgusted and rude judgment over idiots who think they can sing.
That's right, Simon Cowell is bigger and more important than The Boss, who wrote and sang "Born in the USA".
Why? Because Simon "My Farts Smell Like Cotton Candy" Cowell has MADE STARS! He has judged, found far, far too many wanting but, through the power of his own superduper powers, he molds losers into superstars. Sure, he can't sing or dance or actually DO anything but he's bigger, better and more awesomer than Bruce Springsteen.
Would someone please just drop him down a well so all his rejects can gather up and sing him a tribute album, "Sending Our Bile Down a Well" or something tasteful.
I hated American Idol before, due in large part to the simpering asshatery that is Simon Cowell, and these ridiculous proclamations of greatness from a fucking JUDGE on a crap fake reality show certainly won't help. Something pretty seriously wrong with a broker (which is what he really is) putting himself ahead of the artists he's supposed to be supporting. But then, he's a walking ego that gets off on knocking other people down, what would you expect?
He's quoted as saying he sells more records than Bruce Springsteen. I'm sorry, where's the Simon Cowell Croons Shitty Covers of Bad Pop Songs album? Oh yeah, it doesn't exist.
And yes, American Idol is among the worst pap on tv. The only reason to watch it now is to enjoy the freakouts, from the idiots who can't sing to Paula Abdul's medicated interviews. Oh yeah, and to imagine Ryan Seacrest doing gay porn because it just seems to fit him so well.
Yes. Because Bruce Springsteen's only recorded a whole crapload of songs that are part of the American fabric and Simon "Farkin'" Cowell has sat in disgusted and rude judgment over idiots who think they can sing.
That's right, Simon Cowell is bigger and more important than The Boss, who wrote and sang "Born in the USA".
Why? Because Simon "My Farts Smell Like Cotton Candy" Cowell has MADE STARS! He has judged, found far, far too many wanting but, through the power of his own superduper powers, he molds losers into superstars. Sure, he can't sing or dance or actually DO anything but he's bigger, better and more awesomer than Bruce Springsteen.
Would someone please just drop him down a well so all his rejects can gather up and sing him a tribute album, "Sending Our Bile Down a Well" or something tasteful.
I hated American Idol before, due in large part to the simpering asshatery that is Simon Cowell, and these ridiculous proclamations of greatness from a fucking JUDGE on a crap fake reality show certainly won't help. Something pretty seriously wrong with a broker (which is what he really is) putting himself ahead of the artists he's supposed to be supporting. But then, he's a walking ego that gets off on knocking other people down, what would you expect?
He's quoted as saying he sells more records than Bruce Springsteen. I'm sorry, where's the Simon Cowell Croons Shitty Covers of Bad Pop Songs album? Oh yeah, it doesn't exist.
And yes, American Idol is among the worst pap on tv. The only reason to watch it now is to enjoy the freakouts, from the idiots who can't sing to Paula Abdul's medicated interviews. Oh yeah, and to imagine Ryan Seacrest doing gay porn because it just seems to fit him so well.
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