America, Land of the Oversized Wanker

or, America, Don't Say Anything Bad About It or I'll Think About Putting Down My Supersized Drink and Smacking You With My Fatty Arm Wattle

Why in the hell would ANYONE need a truck with enough cargo space to literally carry an entire soccer team as their daily driver? What possible reasons could they have for justifying the utter guzzling of gas, the immense danger these rolling houses pose to others?

Its been beaten like a dead horse already but damn, I feel a rant coming on.

People, you do NOT need an Excursion (note, I'd originally written in the Expedition but the ride home opened my eyes to its bigger and dumber sibling) or Hummer or Escalade or any of these other truly oversized trucks. You don't. Don't try to rationalize it, don't try to justify it. You don't need them. You want them, sure. But that's because you're stupid morons who suck up any marketing spin doled out to you like free beer. You do not need to surround yourself in 6 tons of steel to be safe on the highway. You do not need to have enough cargo space in the back to fit 4x8 sheets of plywood in there since there's no way you'd risk ruining that plush interior with droll wood.

The only reason I can think of that anyone would need a huge oversized, Look-at-me truck is if you're a really, really big fatass fuck that has to have the super duty shocks to support your 70 inch waistline. Add in your obese wife and damned if that truck isn't perfect.

The SUV craze is a symptom of the disease, its a sign of what's wrong and not wholly what's wrong with the country. Americans are fat, greedy fucks. Supersized french fries, a 64 oz soda with your lunch, enough mayo on one triple decker cardiac arrest burger to almost slather across half of your ass acreage.

America is suffering from an epidemic of greedo-mania. More, bigger, better, faster, its all about having more than you need and flaunting it. You wonder why the world hates us? Its only partially because we've got a moron for a president who shoots first and then ignores the questions later. Its because this nation of around 300 million consumes something like 60% of the world's resources (and no, I don't know the actual numbers here, enlighten me if you can). Which would be fine if there were only 500 million people on the planet but there aren't, there's almost 6 BILLION people and we're the greedy asshole bullies who have to have more and more and more to satisfy our fragile little egos.

Buying a gargantuan SUV may make you feel better about yourself but it shouldn't, you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed that you're part of the problem, you're encouraging the car companies to continue to pump out ever bigger, ever more obnoxious stupidities that look like vehicles but are more like RVs.

Better yet, get off your fat fucking ass and do something. Quit watching it on TV and go do something, go for a walk with your family, maybe it'll be waddle at first but do it. Do something. Quit stuffing your face with pork rinds dipped in ranch dressing and topped with cheese and bacon sprinkles. Or maybe speed up the fattening, stuff yourself so full of artery blocking grease that you just die. All of you.

It'll make for a better world without your huge fat ass cruising around trying to be cool in your chromed out Escalade while bumping music that rattles windows and scares dogs for hundreds of feet in all directions. And those ridiculous hub caps that spin when you stop, they are unspeakably stupid looking, like a crackhead's version of a whizzer ring like they used to make years ago.

Get up, get up and do something. Work out, run, play outside with your dog if you haven't fattened him up already too. Quit watching the world and rejoin it, you might find that you're a happier person, that you can also scratch your own ass too. And you'll find that you have feet. And someday, if you try, you'll actually find out that you're not a woman because you actually have a penis, it was just buried under loads of fat and lard and skin and stank and everything else, probably even an emergency bag of Cheetos you keep in your belly pantry.

I'm so fucking sick of idiots parading in Hummers like they're some kind of gods or something when they're really just insensitive greedheaded fuckbags who should have to live in a third world country for a few years to learn how truly excellent this country can be. Open your damned eyes, you fat sleepy pricks, or is that you slipping into a diabetic coma from lack of movement and too many deep fried twinkies and deep fried Snickers bars? Fine, good riddance.

[Update: I should note that I'm not really speaking about regularly sized SUVs anywhere near as much, the 4Runners, the Kias, the Ford Escapes and Explorers. They're reasonably sized vehicles and are usually put to good use with a family opting for the SUV over the minivan. That's not the issue, the issue is people buying big because they need their egos stroked.

And in todays Yahoo News, I found this article that helps to support my stand, Americans Drive, Watch TV More Than Exercise-Study which isn't really news but it does provide more validation for my position.]